Yoga for Fertility Seminar
The fertility clinic I use (Shady Grove Fertility) is nothing if not conventional. Now don't get me wrong...I'm not knocking them. But as a natural health, holistic-minded person, the idea of surgery and medication to get pregnant tells you just how far I am willing to go to be a mother.
So imagine my sheer joy when I learned several months ago that they were aligning with Pulling Down the Moon, an alternative-minded company that advocates a variety of natural health methods for fertility, including acupuncture, massage, yoga, Reiki, nutrition, supplements, and more. I have gone there for several acupuncture treatments and been thoroughly impressed.
A few weeks ago, I received an email from them about a one-day seminar they were holding on fertility yoga with co-founder Beth Heller. I immediately signed up, figuring I'd learn all about the poses that support fertility and those you can and cannot do while pregnant. What I got was a whole lot more than I expected.
While we did do some physical yoga (poses on the mat, etc.), what we really focused on was the mental and emotional "chita" we brought to our journeys. Within 20 minutes of the program starting, I was already fighting back tears. The other women there (12 total) shared their stories of struggling with fertility and I found a bit of myself in each one of them. What really stood out to me was not only how incredible and amazing these women were, but one thing we all had in common (other than the obvious) was that we all led incredibly busy and stressful lives. Hmmm....maybe that should be a clue.
Beth talked to us about the five layers of our being, our "doshas," including our physical body, our mental and emotional bodies, our breath body, our bliss body, and one more I quite honestly have forgotten. (I'll bet it's the one that brought me to my knees and that's why I'm blanking it out!)
We focused a lot on identifying our chita (my new favorite word!), which is that negative self-created white noise that goes on in our heads day in and day out. Another yogi friend of mine calls it your "monkey mind," which Beth referred to as well. I realized I have an awful lot of chita running around in my head every day, daring me to try to stay optimistic and not sarcastic.
I also realized that during my journey, there is one thing I have not really, truly allowed myself to do and that is to grieve...really, truly grieve....for all the treatments I've tried that failed, all the natural things that didn't work...for all the times I remained without a child.
Instead, I've looked at things rationally or joked or diffused the pain in some other way. Then, as the seminar was ending and we were all saying our good-byes, I found myself crying uncontrollably. Not sobbing, but with tears streaming down my face and choking back the sobs. Saying good-bye made me realize that I was also saying good-bye to all the babies that never were, the IUIs that didn't work, the IVFs that failed. But this time I couldn't joke or rationalize the pain away. All I could do was let it wash over me and cry. That was the big breakthrough for me.
Another was during an exercise we did where we had to breathe by alternating the breaths between our left and right nostrils (hold the left close and inhale through the right, then close the right and exhale through the left, inhale through the left, close it, and exhale through the right and so on). I found I couldn't inhale through my left nostril, though I could exhale just fine (the right side was fine both ways).
This was odd to me, since I didn't have a cold or congestion or anything. Beth explained that our left sides are governed by the yin, female, emotional energy and that the right is the yang, masculine, rational energy. When I asked her about the breathing thing, she asked me what I was not allowing myself to receive emotionally. Wow! That about knocked me to my knees (and of course is the "body" I can't remember the name of). The answer, of course, is clear. I don't allow help, I don't allow love, I don't allow support. I can give all day long, but receiving is really hard for me. I feel too vulnerable.
Needless to say, it was an incredibly emotional day. But when I left, I at least felt like I had a camaraderie, some powerful insights, and a new determination to mourn, grieve, love, and accept love and support. I also learned some great meditations and, more importantly, some techniques to stop the chiti and monkeys in my head. And, like everything with yoga, the answers are so simple.
For me, I just need to remember that I am happy, healthy, and holy. And will be one hell of a mama.
